I am Alice in Wonderland. Watch me fall.

It’s a lie, you know, to pretend that nothing is important to you. It’s hiding. Believe me, I know because I hid for a long time. But now I won’t do it anymore. The truth is bioluminescent. I don’t lie, and I don’t waste time on people who do.

The only person I ever let break my heart is myself- in the beds of my lovers I am destined to disappear. On sheets of linen I lie until about two o’clock these days, lips tasting like sweet wine and weak tea in the morning, always strung out of Sartre and chemical dream-catchers. The library gives me nervous eyes and waiters wont arbitrate my own disputes, side road people in parking lots do their waltzes and I am much too cold to dance, so I wait for a one-way train to deliver me my safety and let the problems decline. At one time I used to stretch out beneath stars, now I rest beneath a blue marked map, little dots where Jack and Neil stole a car or ate an apple pie. I lie here alone unlike they ever did, tied to strings on the ceiling, fish in seas of constellation. Here you’ll find little bits of me hidden: in the waves of oceans I’ve never crossed, in the pockets of the jackets I remove. Little bits of me, none yet dry on the canvas.

We all have that friend who we can’t be serious with.

 

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When you’re struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it’s just as hard as what you’re going through.

I’m made of dreams and goals. I am made of misheard whispers in the dark. I am made of glances across crowded rooms. Of the closeness of strangers in a line outside a movie. I am made of the flight routes that take me home. I am made of ghost notes, from songs you never heard. So forgive my absence. But I was never really here to begin with, anyway.

Why was Snow White given an apple with poison? To show that some people just pretend to be kind to you for a hidden agenda. Looks can be deceiving. Not everyone is really who they say they are.

Why did Cinderella run away when the clock turned 12? To remind us that everything has its limits, even dreams.

Why did Ariel decide to exchange her tail for feet? To convey that people need to be willing to lose something to reach their goals, just to be happy.

Why did Aurora sleep for 100 years? To tell us that you might have to wait for some time for your true love to come along, but it’s worth it.

Why did Princess Jasmine fall for Aladdin? To let us know that what the heart wants, it wants no matter what.

Why was Belle in love with a Beast? To remind us that you can’t really help what’s on the outside, but if the inside is beautiful, that’s what really counts.

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass, Belle fell in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief, Ariel walked on land for love and life. Snow White barely escaped a knife, it was all about blood, sweat, and tears because love means facing your biggest fears.

College is rough. College severs some bonds and solidifies others…it puts a distance between you and the ones you love. But it teaches you so much. It forces your real friends to come to the front, while the rest take their places in the shadows of your memories. In college you lose some people — but through real friendship and the strength of the soul (which is where real friends join as one) you keep the ones you will need most in your life.

You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgment and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”

Charles Bukowski

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3 thoughts on “I am Alice in Wonderland. Watch me fall.

  1. Sorry I’ve been gone so long. October has been crazy- I hope yours turned out great🙂 Just wanted to thank you for this post… really, really amazing quotes. Thank you. Really, though.. thank you! For these years of beautiful posts. I honestly crave to show my appreciation some other way that’s more… sincere. But for now, all I can say is thank you, lovely.

    • Dacey!! I was starting to miss you! My October has been so hectic as well! I thank You for reading and being so lovely, always commenting and sending me some love. Your words are sincere enough and trust me, they make my day. So thank you! And much love!!!

  2. Sorry I’ve been gone so long. October has been crazy- I hope yours turned out great Just wanted to thank you for this post… really, really amazing quotes. Thank you. Really, though.. thank you! For these years of beautiful posts. I honestly crave to show my appreciation some other way that’s more… sincere. But for now, all I can say is thank you, lovely.
    +1

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